A Fairy Story As Grimm As Any Other

1970 Pinole Valley High Spartans

Bitchin' coed, I's looking to grad
But my face... just a little too sad.
Oh, where were the boys
To use as my toys?
She's far too unstable, said Thad.

I stared, broke the mirror on my wall,
Down the lightless and chilly long hall
Where Arv whooped and hollered
'Bout a beefy footballer.
Uhn... he wanted a son after all!

So, my Pa wants a son? Who am I
To turn down such a call from on high?
I'll find a Red bitch
And scratch the mutt's itch
And re-learn her to chop, stir and fry.

Bought some houses, some trucks, got six dogs
Set up shop out where Manteca fogs
Fuck permit from city!
Just waggle a titty
'Cause we're certainly grandmothered trogs.

The Stewarts? We in-timid-at-ed.
The city? We screwed with young Ben's head.
My masterful lie
Made the old neighbors die.
It's smooth sailin' now 'til we drop dead.

After years we found us a plump Cork
To ply us with fishy-smell pork
And is it not nice
She keeps us in ice?
Real sad, though... still can't use a fork.

But the bitch cozys up with Slick Willie
That's just fine with this Pinole hillbilly
We all are just brash
Rambunctious white trash
Hating most men. But him? Don't be silly.

Yet C.J. needs someone come visit her
A redhead who, quite sure, can divot her
The shorts without pockets
And vacant tooth sockets
Make our dear friend Rosa a Riveter.

And here, too, is plumber-crack Crystal
Who's always on roof and eave distal
He hammers, drills, screws,
Yells, God! then he spews
Machine noise as loud as a pistol.

Drive '89 Chevy submersibles
We blend in 'cause we wear reversibles
Don't dare you detract!
Don't give us no flak
By sayin' we're gas-filled dirigibles.

Old women who lived in a shoe
Got nuthin' quite like our damn zoo
It rains dogs and cats,
Some chickens, some bats
And the rodents? Well, that's... you-know-who.

Catch me on Showtime sometime...

But still I don't get no real sex
The only man worthy, T. Rex
He revels in lies
Says he likes my pies {giggles}
Show your pies, girls! (He's making us wrecks.)

Then that guy who moved in next door - Putz!
Threw a monkey wrench into our... Klutz!
All he does is write.
Tell the truth! Get it right!
Hey, your honor, all we did was - Schtutz!

A lawsuit? On us? In a court?
(Please pardon, we gotta go snort)
We did nuthin' wrong
But play some loud song
And still harrass him for our sport.

Should you want to smoke Sierra High(c)
Our tall fence is rigged with Evil Eye(c)
We show you our faces
You're gone with no traces
'Less'n you want some to sell, trade or buy {wink}{nudge}.

With all-seeing eyes like old Sauron
We set out to beat that old moron
Who moved in next door.
But much to our horror
Police calls continue to pour on.

The crime is P.C. four-fifteen,
But how can you charge me, the Queen?
I been ruler since God
Was but a dirt clod.
You want me both unheard and unseen?

This's my grandiose story I tell
How likes Graces from Heaven we fell
And made a pig's wallow.
(Don't inhale! Don't swallow!)
Yes, sirree, the Three Beaches From Hell!