Friday, September 14, 2012

Judges, Juries and Executioners



Cannonball (source)

--------The Five Witnesses

---------Hark! Aloft a distinctive death knell

---------What's that- sniff!- incommodious smell?

---------Taste buds’ certainty warps

---------Gritty bones of a corpse

---------Look! Manteca is all gone to Hell!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

MUSD: 1; NsFH: -59


New Sierra High practice field gate on Fishback Street

I am impressed! Thank you, Nancy Teicheira and MUSD staff!

Beginning around 8:00 this morning, personnel from the Manteca Unified School District actually followed through on one of my suggestions for relieving traffic pressure, blood pressure, and bladder and bowel pressure - all at the same time. Noted on the picture above is Fishback Street's new gate onto the practice field.

The offending after-school Pop Warner Football and Cheer drivers can now drop off and pick up their precious Johnnies and Suzies without stoppering up my driveway. Those who stay all night - the block party parasites - their offensive communal collection of bodily effluents can also be moved farther away from its original placement on my driveway; better their spawn play downwind of it, than I suffer it.

It's Been One Hour...!

I didn’t go before we left
Anticipating plastic cleft
And deep, dark hole with noxious fumes
Enough to fill a house of rooms
With pleading voice, “Oh, coach, may I…?
It’s been one hour- I’ll nearly die!”

Who moved that pot whereon I sat
And listened as my shit went, Splat?
Where tinkle drizzled down my leg?
(Same stuff as from my Daddy’s keg?)
So hot and smelly but, Oh my,
It’s been one hour- I’ll nearly die!

They say it kills -or makes you strong!
(All Chargers know they could be wrong)
I run, I jump with all my powers
I dance, and chant, all evening hours
So full of piss I almost cry
“It’s been one hour- I’ll nearly die!”

(iambic tetrameter) .

Monday, August 13, 2012

Please, Mr. Postman, look and see... if there's a letter...


The Manteca Bulletin ran with my story this morning, Monday, August 13, 2012, entitled:

Irk - I love that word. When it is used as a verb, this form denotes multiple subjects; in this case, both the crap shack and the helicopter parents. But the headline also strikes me as a redundancy because, also in this case, they are both full of shit.

Irk (v) irritate or vex, gall or anger; also, annoy, aggravate (informal), provoke, nettle, rile, piss off (taboo slang).

- - - - - - -
In an apparent coincidence today, the letter (see previous post) that Superintendent Messer had not seen yet came back to me in the mail, stamped "Undeliverable as Addressed - Not Forwarded." So I stopped by the MUSD office and hand delivered it.

It is odd to me that the United States Postal Service delivered all other copies of the letter, but the Manteca Branch of the USPS somehow could not manage to find the big four-story office building on the corner of Louise Avenue and Airport Way, which has the name "Manteca Unified School District" emblazoned across the front of it. All right, not so odd.

I guess I could have saved myself the $0.45 and hand delivered it a week ago.

- - - - - - -
Or, I could have gone to another tedious school board board meeting, like I did last year, to re-explain to supposedly intelligent people how porta-potties do not belong in residential neighborhoods.

For many, many  years, the Johnnies and Suzies of the world were trained by mommies and daddies to "go use the bathroom before we go," to dancing, to swimming, to soccer, to Pop Warner, etc. Now, all of a sudden, the Johnnies and Suzies and mommies and daddies have to have a porta-potty? And it has to be placed in some unfortunate citizen's front yard, no less?


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Pop Warner Shit Shack


Manteca Unified School District
Attn: Nancy Teicheira
2271 West Louise Avenue
Manteca, CA 95337

August 2, 2012

Dear Mrs. Teicheira,

Greetings, as we meet again over an issue of paramount importance to me.

At a school board meeting last year, I met with you and MUSD staff regarding a portable toilet which on July 22, 2011, had been delivered and attached to the chain link fence bordering my driveway- in effect, ON MY DRIVEWAY! From that placement, in line with the prevailing NW winds of Manteca, its pungent plume blew continuously through my house at 786 Fishback Street.

That odorous object has appeared again this same week in 2012, in the same objectionable spot. This is the final straw that breaks this camel’s back for the second year running.

[pic, above]

For many years prior, never before seen, the offending structure appeared last year for the first time. The immediate effect was physically nauseating. I believe the outhouse was(is) rented from A & A Portables by the Pop Warner League, who, in turn, rents the practice field bordering my property from the Manteca Unified School District for six months out of every year. Last year’s expediency was to remove the shit shack approximately 100 feet northward along the MUSD’s Fishback Street fence line.

Apparently, your insensate renter’s lazy vendor could not be bothered to repeat last year’s plan this year.

Two other, more permanent, solutions include:

1. Opening up the restrooms behind Teicheira Stadium as part of the rental agreement. Those facilities have the design, functionality, and enclosure to handle the massive amounts of sewer effluent generated by Johnnie, Suzie, Mommy, Poppie, and all the other Pop Warner groupies who camp out in front of my house for four hours every night for six months every year.

2. Remove the gate from its present location next to my driveway, northward to about where the other eyesore structure is located on your practice field, or around the corner on Thomas Street.
.          a. This action has a precedent set when the other MUSD gate a few yards southward on Fishback Street was welded shut and the gates on Wawona Street were prescribed for use by Pop Warner aficionados.
.          b. This solution has the added advantage of dissipating the traffic congestion in front of my driveway, including the illegal parking and driveway blocking by self-absorbed “helicopter” parents.

Mrs. Teicheira, please see to it: A) that this nuisance is dealt with immediately, and B) that a long term solution is arrived at. I do not desire to ask you to this dance again next year.


Richard Behling,
A nauseated Manteca property owner

Copies to:

Pop Warner/Manteca Chargers
821 West Yosemite Ave
Manteca, Ca 95337

A & A Portables
201 Roscoe Road
Modesto, CA 95357

Manteca Bulletin
531 E. Yosemite Avenue
Manteca, CA 95336

* * * * *
[ed. note: shit shack moved northward 100 feet on Wednesday, 8 Aug 2012.]

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Manteca City Governance



I have upset the tea of some “power-that-be”
Of a king with some fancy new clothes
It appears the shoe fit, but he’s shamed to wear it
Because then we would see his twelve toes


The affairs in our gate (whether soon, more oft late)
We can see with these cool X-ray glasses
But the law, as they say, merely gets in our way
We prefer to kiss each other’s asses


My dear sirs, let us think – you provided the ink
To record your whole long list of crimes
Can one slander with truth? Or dress up the uncouth?
Or defame such depraved sods, betimes?


We reject you… you… all! And your poison pen scrawl!
We demand you remove yourself hence!
There is nothing you say will impinge on our day
We paid our silv’ry coins – thirty pence


Should we follow the trails, what that money entails
And discover those masters of power?
When the towers of earth fall, to what god will you call?
Your reward will be: Kneel, blanch and cower!


Thursday, January 26, 2012

This Cow-Town's Official Marching Song:

"The Valley of [Manteca] Clods!"
Pterosaur Rock
by Jacob Mantia
(used with permission)
Jack Satan's the greatest of gods,
And Hell is the best of abodes.
'Tis reached through the Valley of Clods
By seventy beautiful roads.
Hurrah for the Seventy Roads!
Hurrah for the clods that resound
With a hollow, thundering sound!
Hurrah for the Best of Abodes!

We'll serve him as long as we've breath--
Jack Satan, the greatest of gods.
To all of his enemies, death!--
A home [with] the [Manteca Sods].
Hurrah for the thunder of Clods
That smother the souls of his foes!
Hurrah for the spirit that goes
To dwell with the Greatest of Gods!
(from A Sole Survivor, The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol 1, 1909, [slightly amended].)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

'Round and 'Round

Yes, once more I will try City Hall
Where my chance of success is so small
If it's legal or money,
There, the law goes all "funny"
This pig sty still run by Oink, McFall

To Karen MacLaughlin, Manteca City Manager:
(on witnessing a Waste Dept employee attempt to collect
a 14-year-old debt the court ordered the City to write off)

Your new job inspired much incredulity
In those few who have any acuity
But to everyone's eyes
There's a nicer surprise
Your best feature - your great assiduity!

You're a peach, looking out for a buck
To be made off a TLC truck
Garbage bills pile high
While they chop, stir, and fry
"Twen'-three years we was down on our luck"

So that debt from way back - Ninety-seven?
(one plus one... let's see... hmm...) Twenty-'leven!
If you weren't so damn blind,
Take a look! You will find
That the perps have packed up, left this heaven

(on the City's drug enforcement incubation program next to Sierra High)

But... they left behind great farms of weed
And a tender who shares in the feed
Check inside the locked freezer
(That just might stop a geezer)
The shit's prime - "not one stem, branch, or seed."

For the which you have issued permit?
And ignore our state law? What says it?
Permit written contrary
Makes it void - mere hot airy
You dolts make me so mad I could spit!

(Yup, City filed $800 suit '96, lost suit '00)

But they got Small Claims court to agree
From Manteca they should be cut free
With their pass sayin' "Granny"
Kicked you girls in the fanny
And your shame is now open to see

Your drug cops are the worst of the blind
They identify with their own kind
Those blue clouds of foul smoke
Of their brains make a joke
Dream of action while still on behind

(on blind eyes to blatant zoning violations)

I believe that you clowns are mere swabs
Who lucked out when out looking for jobs
Comprehension from reading?
Well, you're sure not succeeding
In my sight, you're less bright than door knobs

(on my money damages claim)

Brings us back to the question at hand
'Bout my money, my peace, and my land
For, while singing the Gospel,
Sinful “Lard” has been hostile
In a vain, hypocritical stand

(and the perps' address still doesn't have garbage service!)