Shaving Cream
{Cue the / Oom, Pah, Pah / Oom, Pah, Pah / polka music.}
The running back takes a hand off from the quarterback...
He gets a block - ohhhhhh, what a hit!
He's out in the clear. He's going all the way!
But he steps in a big pile of shhh...
{refrain}
...aving cream.
Be nice and clean.
Shave every day
And you'll always look keen.
(Shaving Cream, third verse. Dr. Demento with the Benny Bell Orchestra; Benny Bell estate.)
Pretty cool way to introduce the events of the day's dawn, eh? The lyrics tie in both the Super Bowl game and what Lynda Allen had for breakfast - her foot that had stepped in a big pile of shh... aving cream.
In the darkness of 06:06 this Sunday morning, I am awakened by and treated to a Mega 100.1 radio program from across the neighbors' fence discussing professional barbershop music. By the time I stumbled outside a few minutes later - in the cold and dark, in my robe and slippers - the man, who obviously sung baritone or bass, was joined by the rest of his group for a little musical demo. The digital video clip of the outdoor speaker is too dark to see anything, but the audio comes out just fine. (Really, who wouldn't trade away some sleepytime for some barbershop harmonization at six o'clock on a Sunday morning?) Anyway, the date and timestamps on the video clip and the flash pictures of the speaker tell the necessary story.
After documenting the disturbance, I called the Manteca Police Department at 0618 hrs and requested a report be made. With two consecutive pre-dawn violations by Theresa, Lynda and/or Corky, I wanted to nip this whole new level of retaliation in the bud. (In television's "Criminal Minds" vernacular, "This serial killer is devolving quickly!") MPD Dispatch offered an officer response and I accepted. When the officer arrived, his first disarming comment was, "I know better than to ask how you are doing." We covered the recent history and pattern of temporal encroachment (time slippage). He said he would speak with the neighbors and asked their names. I replied that the short one, who will insist on doing all the talking, is Lynda Allen.
The high point of my day occurred when the officer returned in a couple minutes and began with a slight head shake, saying, "I feel sorry for you... living next door to them..." That comment alone was a game-winning two point conversion, a huge success. He proceeded to recount the front porch interview, which was hilariously entertaining in its content, if not in its original delivery by our neighborhood actress. (She really needs to watch more TV, particularly "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?") I indicated that all I needed was a police report and I could take it from there - inside the existing noise nuisance lawsuit.
- - - - - -
I obtained the police report. Here is the note made by the officer:
02/07/2010 07:55:30 Officer xxxxxx Narrative: RP [reporting party] SHOWED ME AN OUTDOOR SPEAKER WHICH WAS PLAYING MUSIC MOUNTED ABOUT 15 TO 20 FEET AWAY FROM HIS HOME. RP STATES THE MUSIC HAS BEEN COMING ON IN EARLY MORNING HOURS WHICH WAKES HIM, TODAY AT 5:30AM. RP BELIEVES MUSIC IS RETALATORY FOR CIVIL LAWSUIT THAT HAS BEEN FILED. I MET WITH NEIGHBOR IN HER SLIPPERS AND ROBE WHO TOLD ME SHE WAS LEGAL SINCE IT WAS AFTER 7 AM AND SHE WAS GOING OUTSIDE TO DO YARD WORK AND LIKES TO LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE SHE WAS OUTSIDE. THEN SHE TOLD ME THAT I NEEDED TO STOP COMING TO HER HOME BECAUSE THE NEIGHBOR CALLS. DOCUMENTATION REQUESTED ON THIS CALL
- - - - - - - -
Comments on certain aspects, supplemented by my conversation with the officer:
1. Lynda answered the door at 0745 hrs in a house robe and slippers. When asked why she had the radio on so early, she first tried a noise ordinance defense? She doesn't know her xxx from her elbow. The mere suggestion to her in March of 2008 that there was a noise ordinance, she took to be a threat and tried verbally to rip my head off. Now two years later she is pretending to know what the ordinance says. (It's 8:00 a.m., honey bunch... and even then subject to "disturbing the peace" common law provisions.) See the MPD website for a discussion of disturbing the peace and its remedies.
2. Lynda, in her robe, claimed she was going outside to do yardwork. Of course, by this time the radio had been on for one hour, forty minutes already - since before it was light outside - and even earlier, at 0552 hrs, yesterday morning. (She must really like working in her yard - in the cold and dark - in her bathrobe. ;-) )
3. The officer didn't buy her story and asked again why the radio was on when it was still dark. Lynda wasn't able to bullshit her way out of this lie. Caught red-handed, she still wasn't about to admit the radio speaker was solely to harrass her neighbor and she lost her cool. She "lit into" the officer and called her neighbor a liar, among other things.
4. The officer told her she was not helping her case at all by this rant. She told him not to visit anymore and terminated the interview.
5. The time was now close to 0800 hrs and the radio remained on for the rest of the day, or at least until 1500 hrs when I left for the Super Bowl game at friends, returning at 1900 hrs to a quiet yard.
6. Question: If Lynda likes to listen to music while she is outside, why did she mount the speaker in an unused corner of her yard and point the speaker AWAY from where they do "yardwork", a euphemism for servicing their catering trucks? Answer: Lynda's intent to harrass is unmistakeable in the timing, placement, positioning, and constant operation of this outdoor radio speaker. This is what I see when I look over the fence.
- - - - - - - -
They're Coming To Take Me Away, HA-HAAA!
{accompaniment - ka-Thump, ka-Thump, ka-Thump, ka-Thumop foot stomping and tambourine}
{first refrain}
They're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho! He-he! Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time,
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats,
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
(Napolean XIV, aka Jerry Samuels; Music Sales Corp. Included on The Best of Dr. Demento CD.)
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