Thursday, August 12, 2010

Decorating Tips For the Dragon Ladies


"These six things doth the Supreme Generalissimo engender: yea, these seven abominations are marks of honor unto her: a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shred innocent peace, an heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and she that soweth discord among brethren." (paraphrased from Proverbs 6: 16-19)
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My, my! The Barefoot Dirty Girls' covered porch will very soon be the outdoor room that the wind-whipped gazebo tent never was. They have been assiduously furnishing it for weeks, scavenging every yard sale they pass, no doubt.
  • It already has its own special, built-in ledge designed for Mellow Yellow's outdoor radio rock speaker. (With the speaker's impending court-ordered removal, my sincere hope is that she is not so stupid as to claim that moving the speaker inside a lattice-work qualifies as being "indoors".)
  • It already has the round glass table top, hauled in last week by Red. (In case the pedestal didn't make it from the yard sale, the picture above is my suggestion for an appropriate pedestal to complement the collective personalities of the residents.)
  • It already has some sort of Sony entertainment device, delivered in the back of a black pickup truck that was NOT marked "Geek Squad." (Alas, the truck also did NOT have flashing blue and red lights, like a police car does. If it had, the rejection of the first delivery attempt about 8:30 one night would not have happened, when the neighbors failed to recognize the urgency to answer their door or telephone.)
  • It already has a chest freezer - a leftover TLC Catering business asset, which Red and Green accessed every morning between midnight and the 4:30 am catering truck departure. (The schemers are attempting to "convert" it to personal use. Next thing you know, they'll try to move the former business' outdoor refrigerator into the covered porch and claim it as personal use, also.)
Since Lynda says, "We like rednecks," I offer a few other items of redneck decor for their consideration.

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A Menagerie of Jabberwocks

From Mark Twain's letter to Julia Beecher, May 30, 1880. [Twain's friend Julia Beecher crafted entertaining figures from roots of trees and shrubs. The Hartford Daily Courant of June 7, 1880, p. 2 in a story titled "The Bazar" reported that Mr. Clemens "after successfully disposing of a number of articles in Booth J. generously offered to dispose of the booth itself and all the people in it, including himself, but as no satisfactory offers were made the lot was withdrawn."]
"I have arranged your Jabberwocks & other devils in procession according to number & rank, on the piano in the drawing-room, & in that subdued light they take to themselves added atrocities of form & expression, & so make a body's flesh crawl with pleasure. There is a compulsory fascination about them which has drawn me in there every half hour all day; every time I go they look more intelligent, more alive, more suggestive of a convention of Consciences met together to play roots on their poor human proprietors; (see my late Atlantic article.) If I come down at midnight (with my usual dose of hot-Scotch stowed) I shall very easily be able to imagine I see them climbing about the furniture, bearing their rigid tails on high & inspecting everything with their critical brass eyes. I tell you they are different creatures now from what they were this morning. Then, they were desiccated vague imitations of the familiar works of God, & soulless; now, they are real creatures out of Wonderland, secretly alive, natural, proper, & ungrotesque to eyes used to them in the world they came from -- & so they take the fiction all out of the Jabberwock & I recognize & accept him as a fact.
"You have had a genuine inspiration; you have wrought it out, not lamely, but to perfection. It is the most ingenious thing of this generation. I shall hate to see any of these enchanting monsters go out of the house; they grow so in grotesque grace, hour by hour; & the more of them there are in a group the happier is the effect. Make more--don't leave a root unutilized in Chemung county. But don't go to the last limit--that is, don't breathe actual life into them; for I know (if there is anything in physiognomy & general personal appearance) that they would all vote the Democratic ticket, every devil of them.

"P.S. These things shan't be fooled away at this fair; they've got to be sold at auction; & I mean to be the auctioneer."
(The preceding from the Twain Quotations website.)

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Definitely NO Mirrors!

The smashing of this narrow glass
Which lived to hurt and to harass
Pernicious magic; dark, arcane
Existed only to cause pain
The things it loved most to create
Were envy, rancor, gall and hate

It’s true intent was low and starker
Something deep and so much darker
It’s mission here upon the earth:
To prove that women have no worth
The things it hoped to bring about
Were fear, resentment and self doubt
To feed on woman’s greatest fears
And it had worked for many years

It made the mirror extremely glad
When a woman thought that she was bad
It was the foul mirror’s fondest dream
To obliterate all self-esteem

Out flew the web and floated wide
The mirror cracked from side to side
Good riddance to that harping witch!
That mirror was always such a bitch

(Excerpts from poetry of Edwina Peterson Cross)
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Timepiece, aka Chronometer (to limit the outdoor noise you create to only a couple hours a day)

You know, they say Classical music and math make people smarter. Incorporating things like this into the overall scheme couldn't hurt...

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Pinole Pest Control

The impending canine count contraction calls for quick control of uncouth quixotic creatures. Gnome Be Gone's, a predator NOT banned or limited by Manteca Municipal Code, are the perfect addition to porch. The importation of these cuddly helpers will:
  • Prevent the threatened invasion of gnomes (other than current occupants)

  • Add just the right touch to the porch's sanitary conditions, eradicating ants, mice, gophers, chickens, stray cats, small dogs (oops!), dropped crumbs and "day-old" sandwiches still left over from the catering trucks.

  • Maintain the current ambience which exudes from the residence (Is that a steel magnolia?)

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And don't forget a card table for the Scrabble game every evening...

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I cannot wait to see (and NOT hear) the results of BDG Interior Decorating's big adventure into the world of home makeovers.

(Actually, that should be BDG Exterior Decorating, since the porch does not have solid walls.)


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