Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Yellow Still Tries To Blame It All On Tom


Yellow opened her mouth...

...and unwittingly (how else could she?) spilled her beans. She isn't entirely ignorant of history - her own childish history, anyway - as her family tree above makes perfectly clear. Still... Was it so long ago in her long, long... loooong... lifetime that she has forgotten which of she and her sisters were being pursued by which of the seven suitors?

You see, at Pinole High School Yellow's nickname was "Teenie" and it was SHE who was leading Tom on. Some women live to screw; she lives only to screw up. (Thank God for small favors!)

Red is the infamous "San Leandro Lulu" because at a very tender age she was sent off to the infamous reform school there, where she got her Hell's Catering Kitchen Degree in Non-Reformity; but her and Drexel's gene pool hit a blank wall (see chart.) (Thank God again.)

And the mysterious, guts[y] Southern Belle, Mitzi/Cornelia/Green, never got Jack. (Or Jack never got Jane, or never got Jill, or... oh, the devil!)

And, it is irony of historical proportions that Mellow Yellow, the undisputed pouting princess of the above-delineated family, has dreamt up this drug-induced paranoid delirium that her neighbor lives only to spy on her. {Oh, yeah, baby! Especially when you and Green wear those X-X-X B.D.G. summer Godiva uniforms! Every angular, bony, non-curve revealed... except for the flabby, pot-belly tummies... uh, uhnn... vomit!}

A few other people around town know what Yellow looks like {Death warmed over} and agree that there's not a camera on earth that could withstand the shock of that image! So, too, Ravaged Red's visage* and beam** fare no better. Show us your other side...

Can you pick Yellow (or Red, or Green) out of this lineup?

My genealogical researcher on this project came highly recommended, indeed the very best in the business. He made only two attempts at reaching adult children; he concentrated mainly on the younger, more juvenile, less mentally developed members of the species, such as the BDGs. As such, this exposé may be over their heads. Nevertheless, here is his curriculum vitae:

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From the family photo album:
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A youthful "Teenie Yellow" (before she got the munchies) looking a gift horse in the mouth -

Disciplining the Un-Reformable Ravaged Red (a.k.a. "San Leandro Lulu") -

Guts[y] "Mitzi" Green sailing the bayous after she stole Jack's s**t -

The gated, guarded compound after twenty-three years of hard abuse by the family business - Ye Olde M. BareAssed Dirty Girls! - with clattery, creaky, horsedrawn pastry wagons (selling on the side "Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers, not one stem, branch or seed. I mean, Maui Wowie, Panama Red, Acapulco Gold... back before it was a crime"); the foodstuffs storehouse, and the straw insulated icehouse where the au naturel refrigerant was chipped every morning at 3:00 a.m.

And it wasn't only the horses that ate the cultivated grass...

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* visage (n) countenance: the human face (`kisser' and `mug' are informal terms for `face'); the appearance conveyed by a person's face: "a ferocious, deeply creased, irreparable visage"

** beam (n) 1. A squared-off log or a large, oblong piece of timber, metal, or stone used especially as a horizontal support in construction. 2. Nautical a. A transverse structural member of a ship's frame, used to support a deck and to brace the sides against stress. b. The breadth of a ship at the widest point. c. The side of a ship: sighted land off the starboard beam. 3. Informal The widest part of a person's hips: broad in the beam.

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