{Shhhh! This Is Supposed To Be A Surprise Birthday Present...}

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credit

I told you before that I am an afficionado of all things "catering" (except for eating any food sold from a catering truck... and icemakers... and commissaries... and outlaw owners.)

So, let me tell you! When I came across these gorgeous little cardboard fold-up models of catering trucks, I immediately KNEW what to get Mellow Yellow for her birthday this weekend! You see, the reason is she got deathly sick and had to quit her business (finally! on a residential property, no less!) and has to get rid of all those commercial vehicles (and other business assets) on her property. So much stress on the poor woman. And Code Enforcement is on to her... they say:

Tue 9/21/2010 3:29 PM
Your request # 460464 has been resolved with the resolution:
Code Enforcement is aware of the situation and will be addressing the appropriate violations. Thank you for your concern.

This is in reference to the Complaint on Garage Sales you submitted on 09/13/2010 6:28 PM
Location: 810 Fishback Street
Description: Re: Request #455382, the two vehicles in question were pushed in front of a container/trailer. They are visible from the sidewalk without elevating any cameras - or eyeballs.

The complaint above was actually regarding Abandoned Vehicles, but they got confused, I guess, when I asked the below question online:

Wed 9/1/2010 3:17 PM
This is in reference to the Question you submitted on 09/01/2010 2:46 PM
Description: How many vehicles can be sold, or offered for sale, from a residential property without an auto dealer's license? 1? 2? 3? 4? 5? 6? more?

Reason Closed: The City does not have anything to do with an auto dealer's license so inquiries regarding this would need to be directed to the DMV. The City also does not have any rules regarding the sale of ones own vehicles. As example, If someone owned 10 vehicles and suddenly needed to liquidate them due to a need for cash, there is nothing that says that they can't do so. On the other hand, if they were purchasing vehicles to turn around and re-sell them, that would be something that would then be looked at as a business activity that would not be allowed. In addition, the courts have held that we can not regulate someone putting a for sale sign on their vehicle as this is considered a free speech issue.

Oh, so now it's a freedom of political speech to amass commercial vehicles on a residential property and illegally conduct business therefrom? And after closing the business, using the property as a commercial auto sales lot is also freedom of political speech? {imbeciles!}

{Deep breath! Exhale slowly... Slow heart rate and lower blood pressure.}

O.K. Back on track...

These darling little cardboard catering trucks, however, ARE legal for her to have on her property. And anyway, after "[Yellow] takes one toke with her famous lungs" * this'll look just like the real thing. Sorta ease her pain, like, ya' know... BUT, she has to be really careful while burning her roaches inside one a' these coaches, or she may just "go[] up in a puff of smoke." *

But please help me choose. I'm having trouble deciding which model to get her. Here's the current catalogue, and after that are some larger images. Please let me know what you think.

Señor Macho Taco Model




Customizable Model
(To reconstruct that sweeeeet TLC look and feel!)




Bleep Labs Model - for peddling anthropomorphic noise toys
(as if Lynda needed any help making more noise!)




Pirate Model
(Yum Yum, Hard Tack & Rum)




Muertos Model
(I thought this was the unofficial title of every taco truck out there?)




Yum Tacos Model




Kawaii Model
(can you imagine raw sashimi being sold from a taco truck?)




Zombie Model
(closest to truth-in-advertising of any model listed)




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* see highlighted lines

The Smoke Off
by Shel Silverstein

Now, in the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake - you probably knew her well
She was stoned 15 of her 18 years, and her story was widely told
That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll

Well, her legend finally reached New York, that Grove Street walk-up flat
Where dwelt the Calistoga Kid, a beatnik from the past
He'd been rollin' dope since time began, now he took a cultured toke
And said, "Jim, I can roll 'em faster than any CHICK can smoke"

So a note gets sent to San Rafael for the championship of the world
The Kid demands a smoke-off; "Well bring him on!" says Pearl
"I'll grind his fingers off his hands! He'll roll until he drops!"
Says Calistog, "I'll smoke that chick till she blows up and pops".

So they rent out Yankee Stadium, and the word is quickly spread
Come one, come all, who walk or crawl, tickets just two lids a head
And from every town and hamlet, over land and sea they speed
The world's greatest dopers, with the world's greatest weed.

Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shashniks from Bagun (who smoke the deadly Pu-ga-ru)
And those who call it "light of life"
And those that call it "boo".

See the dealers and their ladies, wearing turquoise lace and leather
See the narcos and the closet smokers, puffing all together
From the teenies who smoke legal, to the ones who've done some time
To the old man who smoked "reefer", back before it was a crime.

And the grand old House That Ruth Built is filled with the smokes and cries
Of 50,000 screaming heads, all stoned out of their minds
And they play the national anthem, and the crowd lets out a roar
As the spotlight hits the kid and Pearl, ready for their smoking war.

At a table piled up high with grass, as high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers, not one stem, branch or seed
I mean, Maui Wowie, Panama Red, Acapulco Gold
Kif from East Afghanistan, and that rare Alaska Cold

And there's sticks from Thailand, ganj from the island,
And Bangkok's blooming best
(and some of that wet imported shit
That capsized off Key West).

There's Oaxacan tops and Kenya bhang, and Riviera fleurs
And that rare Manhattan Silver, that grows down in the New York sewers.
And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade, and sweet grapes by the bunches
And there's Hershey bars and Oreos (in case anybody gets the munches)

And the Calistoga Kid, he smiles,
And Pearly, she just grins
And the drums roll low, and the crowd yells "GO GO GO!!"
And the world's first smoke-off begins.

Well, the kid he flicks his fingers once, and ZAP that first joint's rolled
Pearl takes one toke with her famous lungs, and WHOOSH that roach is cold
Then the kid he rolls his super-bomb, that would paralyze a moose
And Pearl takes one mighty hit, and ...... that bomb's defused

And then he rolls three in just ten seconds, and she smokes them up in nine
And everybody sits back and says, "Hey.... this just might take some time"

See the blur of flying fingers, see the red coal burning bright
As the night turns into mornin', and the mornin' fades to night
And the autumn turns to summer, and a whole damn year is gone
And the two still sit, on that roach-filled stage, smokin', and rollin'...on

With tremblin' hands he rolls his jays, with fingers blue and stiff
She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze, and puffs through blistered lips
And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
The Kid, he gasps, "Damn it, bitch! There's nothin' left to roll!"

"NOTHIN' LEFT TO ROLL!" screams Pearl. "IS THIS SOME TWISTED JOKE?
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO FUCK AROUND; MAN, I COME HERE TO SMOKE!"

And she reaches 'cross the table and grabs his bony sleeves
And crumbles his body between her hands, like dried and brittle leaves
Flicking out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds
And then she rolls him in a zig-zag, and lights him like a roach
And the fastest man, with the fastest hands, goes up in a puff of smoke.

In the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake - you probably know her well
She been stoned 21 of her 24 years, and her story is still widely told
How she still can smoke 'em faster than any dude can roll

While, off in New York City, on a street that has no name
There's the hands of the Calistoga kid, in the Viper Hall of Fame
And underneath his fingers, there's a little golden scroll
That says, "Beware of bein' the roller
When there's nothin' left to roll".

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The Cancer Metastasizes*

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Great Scott! Wave after wave of flotsam and jetsam - vomit from the BDG's illict decades-old catering enterprise - are now spilling over into the street!

I'm guessing the triage** underway is to segregate the pure crap from the flea market merchandise, and those from the piles of shit stored under the Big Top, the latter likely to be dragged along by the BDG's to their future paradise home... far, far, far away. (The farther the better... but wherever that paradise is, it's about to suffer a mortal blow. See definitions for metastasize.*)

Like everything else the hash-slinging potheads do, they don't have the good sense to sneak out of town in the middle of the night; instead they have to trash the neighborhood first.

I wonder if they have a permit for their merchatile display going on the second day now? Flea market... yard sale... garage sale... lawn sale... take your pick of terms; they are all equivalent under the Manteca Municipal Code.

“Garage sale” means a sale conducted by an individual homeowner or occupant of a home, or apartment owners, or occupant of an apartment unit, for the purpose of selling, trading, bargaining, exchanging or otherwise disposing of unwanted or surplus household furnishings or goods, or other tangible property, usually conducted in a garage, on a patio, upon a driveway, or on or in any portion of premises in a residential zone and for which no inventory or permanent or detail records are kept on the transactions thus carried out. It may, at times, be conducted by a combination of residential dwellers at a single location and may take on the nature and character of a rummage sale or a fund raising event for civic or charitable purposes. All sales designated “lawn sale,” “attic sale,” “rummage sale,” “moving sale,” “flea market sale,” or other terms of similar or like intent and having the foregoing characteristics and purposesshall be deemed garage sales. (MMC 17.61.030 Definitions)

28. Garage or Yard Sales. A garage or yard sale may be conducted on any developed lot in an R district, subject to the following requirements:

a. No more than two such sales may be conducted on any one lot in any one calendar year.
b. Each sale period shall be for no more than three days, unless additional time is approved by the community development director.
c. All related signs shall conform to the requirements of Chapter 17.17 of this title. (MMC 17.07.020 Permitted and Conditionally Permited Uses)

Oh, I know. The BDG's will claim it is not a yard sale - yet - because there are no For Sale signs up - yet. But they are fooling no one, because the BDG's have never followed any rules before and the City of Manteca officials don't enforce any of their own rules, especially on these scofflaws.

As Karen Carpenter sung:

I know I ask perfection of
A quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think
That’s what I’ll find.

And I quote an excerpt from my own soon-to-be published legal writings below:

D. Nonconforming and Noncompliant Uses

The rationale advanced in the citations in this section applies to legal nonconforming uses and is couched in that language. It goes without saying that these principles apply - with imperative action to abate - against illegal or noncompliant uses.

In California, "[Zoning] legislation . . . looks to the future and the eventual liquidation of nonconforming uses." [Citation] [Sabek, Inc. v. County of Sonoma, 190 Cal. App. 3d 163 (Cal. App. 1st Dist. 1987)]

Why is that? The answer was outlined [by the court in Gage] in 1954:

"No case seems to have been decided in this state squarely involving the precise question presented in the case at bar. Until recently zoning ordinances have made no provision for any systematic and comprehensive elimination of the nonconforming use. The expectation seems to have been that existing nonconforming uses would be of little consequence and that they would eventually disappear. [Citation] The contrary appears to be the case. [Citation] It is said that the fundamental problem facing zoning is the inability to eliminate the nonconforming use. [Citation] (footnote 2) The general purpose of present-day zoning ordinances is to eventually end all nonconforming uses. [Citation].
...
“Footnotes, note 2. "It has always been assumed that non-conforming uses would gradually eliminate themselves from the district in which they exist if they were not permitted to expand. Such has not proven to be the case. They not merely continue to exist, but to send down deeper roots. They become clear monopolies and special privileges. Their existence is a continual threat to the conservation of property values in the districts where they exist. The time has come when cognizance should be taken of this situation and provision made, probably in the state law, whereby non-conforming uses may be gradually eliminated under some equitable method of procedure." [Citation] (emphasis added) [Los Angeles v. Gage, 127 Cal. App. 2d 442 (Cal. App. 1954)]

A perfect description of that metastasizing cancer known as TLC Catering, owned and illegally operated by Lynda S Allen and Theresa A Brassey, for twenty-three years on the always-zoned-as-residential property at 810 Fishback Street, Manteca, California - aided and abetted by the lazy, bungling, incompetent fools soaking up our tax dollars down at city hall.

I'm waiting for the multiple (Red, Yellow, and Green) lumpectomies and the proper radiation treatment of this cancer. Which button do you think I'd push?

(from the Natural News site)

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* me·tas·ta·size (verb used without object. It's alive!) 1. Pathology (of malignant cells or disease-producing organisms) to spread to other parts of the body by way of the blood or lymphatic vessels or membranous surfaces. 2. to spread injuriously (Ex., Street gangs have metastasized in our city.) 3. to transform, esp. into a dangerous form (Ex., The KGB metastasized after the fall of the Soviet Union. Ex., Truth metastasized into Lynda Allen's lurid TLC fantasy.)

** triage (transitive verb) 1a: the sorting of and allocation of treatment to patients and especially battle and disaster victims according to a system of priorities designed to maximize the number of survivors b: the sorting of patients (as in an emergency room) according to the urgency of their need for care; 2: the assigning of priority order to projects on the basis of where funds and other resources can be best used, are most needed, or are most likely to achieve success. Ex., Nurses do triage in the emergency room. (Fr, sorting, sifting, from trier to sort, from Old French) Rhymes with triage: barrage, collage, corsage, dressage, frottage, garage, gavage, lavage, massage, ménage, mirage, montage, moulage, portage, potage, treillage.

(Great rhymes! I'll have to use some of them soon because a couple, in particular, apply to the BDG's.)
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If You Got It, Flaunt It! (aka: Show Us Your Junk!)

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Things started happenin' early this morning. About 08:15 hrs, an intensive conversation took place out on the driveway next door and, next thing you know, one of the unearthed rodent condominia treasures of accumulated debris inoperative vehicles appeared on the BDGs' newly-mowed front lawn.

Ta-Da!

Redneck
Trailer Trash
Yard Decor

at its finest!

That's likely the last mowing that particular patch of lawn will get for a long, long time. I wonder if there was a time limit put on this display of chutzpah?* The only thing missing from this historical relic - besides a few essential parts and a little TLC (or ALL of TLC!) - is the name "Louise" stenciled on the passenger door and... uh, can't see the driver door.

This is exciting. Code enforcement case #460464 (and its earlier case #455382) may actually be moving forward. Last Monday, September 13, I sent the following in:

Request type: Abandoned Vehicle
Description: Re: Request #455382, the two vehicles in question were pushed in front of a container/trailer. They are visible from the sidewalk without elevating any cameras - or eyeballs.

But... it's hard to tell if this movement was prompted or assisted by C.E. because Manteca city officials have thus far demonstrated total unwillingness, incompetence, or impotence in dealing with the BDGs and enforcing any of the city's so-called ordinances.

The on-display rust bucket is missing a For Sale sign. (Get several, Red or Green, one for the house and some for the half-dozen dogs. Remember, though, none for the marijuana! Yellow would get cranky crankier again.) My guess is the Barefoot Dirty Girls plan to tow this wreck behind one of the decrepit MFPU's (see catering trucks) up Interstate 5 to Gresham, Oregon, or thereabouts, loaded down with as much sentimental effluent** as can be managed - like the John Deere log splitter.

(Log splitter?!)

Yup! Who knew the BDGs' 1/2-acre Manteca property once had enough trees to justify a log splitter? (Funny picture: Mellow Yellow toking her way out of town riding a log splitter.) More likely, the compulsive klepto's have been collecting more junk again. The stuff just appears out of thin air!

{"Psst! Hey, amigo. The off-menu TLC Minnie Mouse Muffin Muncher comes with a garnish of MJ... and we split your logs, too."}

But the dogs cannabis and the unsold canines really oughta be in roadworthy vehicles. Just sayin'...

Vaya Con Los Perros***

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* chutzpa: (Yiddish) unbelievable gall; insolence; audacity

** effluent (n) sewage that has been treated in a septic tank or a sewage treatment plant

*** Go with (the) dogs

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Flea Market Under the Big Top

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Step right up! Step right up!

Have we got some great deals for you!

We, the apple-colored Barefoot Dirty Girls,

Red, Yellow and Green, are selling ourselves it all!

Come on down to 810 Fishback Street in Manteca, California!
Close out! We're selling it down to the bare lot!
(Gettin' the hell out of Manteca and movin' to Oregon!)

Just look for the For Sale signs on [almost] everything!

We've got vehicles galore!
Registered, unregistered,  shouldn't-be-legal, and inoperative!

Last-leg commercial equipment! Bally walk-in freezer (must take concrete pad too),
porch chest freezer, Kenmore upright freezer, Admiral refrigerator, Scotsman icemaker!

Tic-tac; Brick-a-brack; Give six dogs a bone!

Fixtures; Truck-sized cookware; Yard radio!

Junk items, all sorts; Really shitty stuff; Flotsam and Jetsam!

Experienced junk yard dogs; [Experienced?!] house dogs!

Klepto'd Amassed over years, sheltered forever!

We pass the stealings savings on to you!

Hurry, before it's all scrapped gone!

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(* Will trade for marijuana growing and processing apparatus *)

(Tokin' Takin' that to Oregon, too!)
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