Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Three Sheets To The Wind...

Hey-Ho! Hey-Ho!
Jack Sparrow sails to the rescue
of the Barefoot Dirty Girls

Lyin' Lynda probably thought she could rig up some tarp sails because she saw pictures of sailboats on the walls of the attorney/mediator's office last December (or because she could see boats on San Pablo Bay from the foot of Tennent Avenue in Pinole when she was a wee lass.) Regardless, the Tarp Slut Tarp Whore Tarp Queen set sail...

Then Mother Nature took care of business

On January 27th I submitted a picture of Lynda's public erection to the City of Manteca Code Enforcement Department in the hope that the sheer perversity of this "sail" - this overheight fence addition - would produce action. (You and I can both guess what actions they took. {fart}) Whether they took action or not is now immaterial.

7:05 a.m.
Broken strut on left and on right,
bowing strut on right, discontinuous crosspiece on top

A little after 3:00 a.m. this morning, February 8, 2011, a gentle breeze started to blow. As it grew stronger, the sails were luffing and popping, and soon the Mickey Mouse supports were being wrenched to and fro, finally snapping, guy wires and ropes strained, and the whole juvenile assembly threatened to loose itself from its moorings and sail away.

But, wait! you exclaim. Where are sheets #2 and #3?

Oh... I see I did not show you the entire rigging earlier. There really were three sheets in the wind * this morning:

"Sails" between Smokehouse and main house

The strengthening wind provided great lifting and shearing actions and the upper left corner of the brown tarp got loose from the Smokehouse eave, threatening to take out the surveillance camera tucked up behind it. With the other corner still attached to the vulnerable cable and whipping it like crazy, yet another surveillance camera on the main house was imperiled.

The blue tarp was wired to the fruitless mulberry on the right, and the supporting 2x4 on the left was nailed to the rickety fence and the even more rickety "fence height extenders" (scrap wire and plywood pieces - true White Trash construction! What d'ya expect from three dopers?) This sail was threatening to knock down Lyin' Lynda's precious sound-permeable fence - regardless of the several layers of horizontal repurposed fence boards nailed across the back.

The lights came on in the shanty shed at 4:00 a.m. as Corkscrewed Green knocked about, trying to figure out how to strike the tarps, which were really flapping up a storm by now.

I vacillated, with my finger on the cell phone Call button, as questions swirled in my head. Do I call MPD with yet another disturbing the peace charge? Did code enforcement do anything at all regarding these nuisances and violations? Where is my chain saw?

At 6:05 a.m. the Silver Bullet pickup arrived with the BDG's current worker boy toy. What astounding response time these prigs rate! Who else demands and receives 6:00 a.m. service? Of course, this is the same laborer who hammered and tied up these abominations under the careful and personal supervision of Lyin' Lynda, Resectioned Red and Corkscrewed.

A little after 7:00 a.m. all the sails were down, furled, and stowed.

What CAN'T the BDG's build with a tarp and a few nails? They were all three sheets in the wind (intoxicated, doped, impaired) on this latest round. I can't wait to see their next asinine slip-and-fall, their next shoot-themselves-in-the-foot stunt, their next cannabis overdose Yellow Submarine quest.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
* Robert Louis Stevenson was as instrumental in inventing the imagery of 'yo ho ho and a bottle of rum' piracy as his countryman and contemporary Sir Walter Scott was in inventing the tartan and shortbread 'Bonnie Scotland'. Stevenson used the 'tipsy' version [ed: single sheet] of the phrase in Treasure Island, 1883 - the book that gave us 'X marks the spot', 'shiver me timbers' and the archetypal one-legged, parrot-carrying pirate, Long John Silver. He gave Silver the line:
"Maybe you think we were all a sheet in the wind's eye. But I'll tell you I was sober; "

Arrrgh! quoth L/L...


No comments: